We survived one Christmas, 2 more to go.
The inevitable topic came up, sleep. "How is Levi sleeping?" He actually sleeps fairly well. Many nights we sleep for a 6-8 hour stretch.
Lately though he has been sick. A couple of months ago all 3 of us had a nasty bout of strep throat. That messed up his sleep. Then just when he got back into a routine of nice long stretches of sleep, he got Bronchitis. :-(
The thing that shocked family was the fact that Levi does not usually go down to sleep until 9 or sometimes 10pm. The family looks at me like I am a cruel mother. I tell them that we have tried to put him down earlier but if we start trying to put him down at 7 we just waste our time trying to rock him to sleep for 2-3 hours. He won't go down earlier.
They of course ask, "Why don't you just put him in the crib and let him cry-it-out? Have you tried it?"
Sister pipes up, "My kids cried 30 min the first night. 15 the second night. Now they sleep great."
"I can't tolerate it for more than 4 min." I didn't tell them, I was in tears myself at that point. In my defense it had been a rough night to begin with. I was frustrated to the point of desperation.
My loving family's response, "Well, he has you well trained."
I do frequently wonder if, after trying so long to have a child that we didn't know if we would ever have, do we spoil him? Am I going to be one of those helicopter moms that I have despised for so many years?
What they did not know was that Levi spent the first 6 weeks of life crying incessantly. He could not sleep for more that 1-2 hours at a time. We took him to the dr's office 40 minutes away and our newborn baby would cry for 30 minutes solid before he fell asleep. He must get his stubbornness from his mom and dad. When he was about 6 weeks old he was diagnosed with GERD. My poor baby had been crying in pain for 6 weeks! I felt awful! Then in a couple weeks he stopped crying as the medicine kicked in.
So now I have a terribly difficult time letting him cry for more than a few minutes after having had my fill in the beginning.
So I bought the No Cry Sleep Method book. It is not a one-size-fits-all method. It has a bank of things to do to what works for you and your child. It is NOT an overnight cure that is so convenient for parents. The emphasis is on routine, but not so rigid that you can't live your life. Many of the things in it we had already been doing intuitively, like play the same music each night to signal sleepy time. i.e. training like Pavlov's dogs.
One aspect of the book that I do not like, they say to begin the routine and get the children to bed by 7pm. We get home from work at 5 or 6 so to get him in be by 7 we'd have to start as soon as we get home. I would not get any time to play with him. The book says if that is a problem you can get up early. Uh...yea, right.
I choose to ignore it. Levi gets enough sleep, he just goes to sleep later and sleeps in late. It works for us so far. We get to play with him and he gets his sleep.
Yet, I am not used to not conforming to social norms.
I do not mean to offend all my friends who use the cry it out method but, I see it as cruel to leave a child to cry himself to sleep. They say it teaches the child to put themselves to sleep. I don't see any teaching going on, just abandoning them to figure it out themselves. Besides that, I have cried myself to sleep before. I sleep hard after a good cry but it is not a pleasant way to go to sleep.
I have yet to meet another mom who sees things the same way. I admit, I am not an expert on child psychology. I'm only a mom with a tender heart. So I ask you this, "Does Levi have us well trained? Am I going down a path that leads to bad parenting where the child runs the show?"
Here's the thing. You DON'T HAVE TO DEFEND YOURSELF!!!! Anytime you try, you are going to end up having to preface comments with "I don't mean to offend..." in which case are likely going to offend someone. You are the mom! You do what works for you and your family and no matter what anybody else says or thinks, that's your decision. If crying it out doesn't feel right to you, then don't worry about it and don't do it. Just because that worked for them, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do for you!! When Conner was a baby, he didn't go to bed until 9 or 10 either. As he got older, his bed-time bumped up and up until it was 8 o'clock. And yes, he does have you trained. All babies have to train their parents to a certain extent because they have no other way of communicating their needs. Why else do only moms know what a certain cry means? You only have to worry if, when he gets older, you don't allow him to suffer the consequences of his mistakes; you swoop in and rescue. It's a little early to be worrying about it, I think.
ReplyDeleteIf you're well-trained, then James has us well-trained too. The closest we come to having James cry it out is putting him in the crib and letting his play/babble/talk for a bit... but if the talking turns to cries that seem at all distressed, we're heading in to try something else.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, the Sleep Sheep (white noise machine disguised as a stuffed sheep) seems to work well for us, and we've also found that James will tend to sleep a bit longer if he's in a sleep sack. We swaddled as long as we could and he liked that, but he now breaks free and the loose blankets end up over his face, so we don't do that anymore.
In general, James might take a little nap in the 6 or 7 o'clock hour, but he's not down for the night until 9 or 10. I don't consider it cruel for one nanosecond! I'm with you - with me working and coming home to do dinner, playtime, bathtime, etc. how am I supposed to put him down at 7? I'd never see him at all and that would break my heart. 10 is what works for us. Now, we're lucky, and we're getting nice long stretches of sleep, so this means he may be a late riser compared to some, but you don't hear me complaining about that.
Don't beat yourself up! I don't think a baby as young as yours (and mine) is going to be manipulative. Now, it's probably not too far down the road... and when that logic/manipulation kicks in, that's when you'll have to be prepared to stand your ground. But sweet Levi isn't laying there thinking "you know, I could totally go to sleep right now, and I know that's what's good for me, but naaah, I'm going to lay here and cry for no reason".
My only other piece of advice is to watch him like a hawk for sleep cues. The moment James starts rubbing his eyes, we try to put him down if we can. For us, it's worked pretty well, but every baby is different!